27 November 2015

Evaluation of Life

My life needs a reevaluation. 
I have lost me. 
I realize that I have made several mistakes within this game we call life.
I have failed to follow my gut and instead use my heart. 
The heart is not the best tool to use in this game. 

Life is not easy. 
Nor is love.
I believe that God has opened plenty of doors for me but yet I have slammed them in his face. 
Ignoring the signs, ignoring the pushes, ignoring the hidden agendas among those that I have loved.
I have used my heart, to help others, to mother children other than my own, to have a picture perfect life.
Boy, Have I been wrong. 

It's been said, that the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results. 
I think I may be insane. 

I have changed. 
Not for the better.
I have lost sight of my priorities and pushed those away that I have needed the most. 
I quit going to church, I quit reading my bible. 
All the things I thought were right, are wrong. 
I'm starting to resent myself for being so selfish. 

I'm angry. 
I miss God. 
I miss my friends. 
I miss me, I miss my children and I miss my family. 
I miss my morals and ethics, my excitement and happiness. 
I miss everything that makes me, me. 

I suppose it does take one to lose everything to realize one's faults.
I feel hopeless, lost and broken. 
Is this what I wanted?
Is this life of continuous war something I am willing to fight any longer?

I'm calling a re-do. 
I'm starting over. 

I will use God as my leader and my gut and my assistant. 

God will not give you more than one can handle, yet another quote I have heard time and time again. 
Well, in lieu of free will, I believe he is here to guide us and when we steer off of our path it's a sign. Most may take it as punishment or blame God. But, I know I am human. Making mistakes is a way of proving to oneself that whatever action happened and consequence occurred was due to free will. 

Life does come with a manual- of sorts. It's called the Bible. 
I have strayed from my manual and attempted to make my own book. This is not what my path is intended, creating my own book is not my purpose. 
I have shunned the one "man" that truly has everlasting love for me, I have ignored the signs and I have paid for this. 

I am humbled to say, this wake-up call came from my son. 
He is an amazing, caring and heartfelt 14 year old. 
I don't know if he realizes that my life is quickly spiraling downward and amongst the fall, he opened up and told me his true feelings. I am incredibly thankful for his words. 
His words have solidified my need for my re-evaluation. 

From this day forward, I vow to put God first and my children second. 
I vow to be the mom they miss, the Christian I once was and the Dana I used to be. 
I vow to go through the doors when they open, not slam them or ignore the signs. 
I vow to be kind and teach my children to shun evil and be fishers of men. 
I vow to continuously improve myself daily, in one way or another. 

True love is a myth?
I disagree, being a mother and having children tell the truth is true love. Knowing that what the children may say will hurt, but letting them express themselves is True love. 

I am thankful God has allowed me to be a mother. 
I am thankful God has given me these two precious angels to help me realize my faults. 

I'm not certain where my path leads, but with baby steps, perseverance and an open mind I will walk this path, day by day. 

Dedicated to my amazing bear cubs. 
I love you eternally. 

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